“The more you let it slide, the more they take.”

The Way I Was Raised

I was told to always say something when I saw something wrong. My mother wanted me to protect myself. So did my grandmother and my father.

Why did they tell me this? I was a Black kid growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. No one else was going to save me, or help me.

It was already hard enough being poor, but adding in the fact that we were Black didn’t provide any relief.

I didn’t understand at the time what it actually meant, or cost, to be Black. But I would come to understand it at many different points in my life. What I understand now is the cost of silence — mine, and everyone else’s.

Especially when it came to people speaking negatively about you, and how they treated you.

Words Do Hurt

“You probably did well because you’re half white.”

That was a teacher’s response when she saw my math test grade.

I didn’t know how to process it. I was only 7 years old. Not only did I see something wrong, but it happened to me.

I spent most of the time trying to understand what had happened, and whether I had done something wrong.

I was told to speak, and I didn’t. Follow where I am going with this.

Bullies

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes we view them as people we should respect, or people who should lead us.

I had a classmate who constantly answered questions wrong, and the teacher would berate her.

It was hard for me to watch and listen, so I yelled: stop speaking to her like that. I didn’t feel she deserved it, and she looked distressed.

She also wasn’t pushing back against the teacher, so I did it for her. I told my parents, but they had already heard.

Bullies would target me as well. I would fight back, but sometimes it was too much. Bullies don’t like people who fight back, so other bullies would join.

I’ve seen bullies at the corporate level too. I always fight back now. I feel the need to remind them there are bullies out there like me — but I bully bullies.

Victim Shaming

I’ve often had situations happen where, instead of people saying something about what they saw, they tell the person it happened to how they could have prevented it.

It’s eerily similar to people who have told women that had they not worn this, x would not have happened.

Allowing the behavior reinforces the idea that it can continue without consequence, because most people are afraid, or don’t care, or only care about themselves.

I have made comments in my life that put me in the way of harm, but mostly because I saw the harm happening to others around me.

Be a bystander, or help? I know I could sit around and do nothing. I also know most people won’t do the same for me. But I know how it would sit with me forever if I said nothing.

I still think about what I should have done when that teacher said what she said.

I also think about the times I didn’t speak up. Like when I was being treated poorly by white co-workers, because they saw that I was conflicted about my identity.

My brother recently told me about something that is still sitting with him. He watched a mother berate her son in a store and make him put back the sports equipment he needed. He thought about offering to pay for it. Now hasn’t stopped thinking about it since.

The Cost of Silence

Being silent worries me more than speaking up does. I know I can help. I also believe it puts a target on my back.

It’s something I can bare.

Self-protection, to me, is also protecting the people around me.

When we see something wrong and no one acts on it, the damage goes further, because the offender starts to feel like they will never be checked.

This is how the cycle of abuse continues.

The cost of silence is never paid by the person staying silent. It’s paid by whoever is standing there hoping somebody else will speak.

It’s like an old western. If we all respond together, we have strength in numbers. When only one person is willing to make a stand, that person will always fall.

If you can sleep at night with that on your conscience, and feel okay watching someone deal with something you could have helped with — even the smallest amount — then good for you.

The person dealing with it will never forget. It damages them further, and it deepens how little they trust people.

Use your strength. Stand up against injustice and abuse.

While I do believe the treatment of minorities in this country has improved, it will never be eradicated as long as bystanders keep watching people without the same privilege suffer.

It took a man being killed by the police for a lot of people to realize that what Black people had been saying was true. When it comes to abuse and the negative treatment of others, it will take a lot more people suffering before we all understand that we are in this together.

Let’s all pull in the same direction. Let’s help each other, speak up for each other, and succeed together.

What gets allowed, gets repeated.

| Strength is a Choice – Latrelle Brown | Simply Psychology, The Bystander Effect — https://www.simplypsychology.org/bystander-effect.html |