Happiness was just a word. It didn’t have a face.

I want to tell you about a kid I knew. Feeling like an outsider had made that kid mean, and they had gotten good at it. This is the part of the story where they haven’t figured anything out yet.

Unhappy, Mean, and Petty

The kid I knew was quiet. They only spoke to people that they trusted, and when that kid spoke to the ones they felt most comfortable with, it was always in jest.

They joked, all the time, but it was mostly to hide the anger. The shame, and to hide the pain.

The kid had a lot to offer, they just didn’t want to share. I watched them as they grew, but the more time that went by, the feelings only grew stronger.

The kid didn’t know what to do, but they knew what they wanted everyone else to do. Be just as angry, ashamed, or feel the same amount of pain as they did.

Unhappiness Surrounded by Happiness

The kid saw people smile, enjoy life, and enjoy their families. They felt like an outsider, missing something that everyone seemingly had.

So that kid would often do things, things that they knew would make other people unhappy. Like them.

They would talk bad about people to their face, and about their families. They would talk back to teachers, and generally do things they knew would irritate people.

It was all so they would stop smiling. Like them.

Feeling Like an Outsider

They always felt like an outsider, not in on the joke. Missing the punchline.

Happiness was just a word. It didn’t have a face. At least, not a face that the kid knew how to make.

Stress, anger, and anxiety took over every part of the kid’s life. How could they smile?

And here is the thing nobody could have told them at the time, because they wouldn’t have believed it: feeling like an outsider is not proof that you are one. It only feels like proof. Everybody in that building was carrying something. The kid just assumed they were the only one carrying it alone.

The Year the School Closed

St. Michael’s School closed in 1994.

This kid had to transfer from St. Michael’s to St. Thomas More.

They didn’t want to go. Starting over is bad enough when you like people. It’s worse when your whole strategy is keeping them at arm’s length.

Four People and a Neighbor

In that process, they met four people who would help change their lives for the better. A bond grew between them and the one neighbor they also had a chance meeting with.

The people they saw that wanted to be around them. They started to get invited to parties, to come over and play, but also, people wanted to be around them at lunch, and everywhere in between.

They started to notice, they weren’t the only person struggling. Not the only person unhappy. There was a shared sense of growth and struggle together.

So they felt seen.

You have to understand what that does to a kid who has spent years certain they are the only one. It didn’t fix anything overnight. It just took the weight off of being the only one, and that turned out to be most of the weight.

All That’s Left Now Is a Smile

Smiling, laughing, and happiness replaced frowning, crying, and sadness.

Without those people, that kid doesn’t become a loving friend, a father, and one hell of an engineer.

He doesn’t become me.

I would have lost myself without them, but I found myself because of them, and because of so many others who came after. I found so many people in my life who believed in me, in what I was, and in what I could become.

All I want to do now is give that back to whoever feels, or has felt, the same.

We all have potential. Hopefully, many of you can see it on your own. I needed others to see it for me first.

Don’t give up on yourself. I almost did. I found so much more out of life, family, and friends once I began to recover.

The angry kid I knew became the happy kid I knew, then the active and challenging teenager, and finally the productive, entertaining, family-and-friend-oriented adult.

I still see that kid sometimes, I dream about em, but he’s in a better place in life now.

| Adapting to Change – Latrelle | The Science of Resilience – Harvard Center on the Developing Child |